Principles of Boundaries

You can't set boundaries with people who don't respect them.

I always thought this was true until I realized I was approaching boundaries all wrong. For a long time, I thought boundaries were about getting other people to behave differently, getting them to stop calling so late, respect my time, or treat me better and convincing my friends to stop showing up unannounced. But boundaries have nothing to do with controlling other people. They're about what YOU do when someone crosses your line.

The Boundary Myth We All Believe

Boundaries are usually seen like invisible fences.You set them up, say what you need, and expect people to respect them automatically. That’s why it’s so frustrating when it doesn’t work. You tell a friend not to vent about her toxic relationship anymore, but she keeps doing it. You ask family to stop making comments about your weight, but they don’t listen. You set work hours with your boss, but still get texts at midnight. When this keeps happening, it’s easy to think boundaries just don’t work, or that you’re bad at setting them. The truth is, maybe what’s happening are really just requests, not firm boundaries and that difference is easy to miss. Getting clear on that makes all the difference.

Principle 1: Boundaries Are About Your Actions, Not Their Compliance

A real boundary isn't "Please don't call me after 9 PM." That's a request. A boundary is "I don't answer calls after 9 PM." Do you see how different that is?? One requires them to change, the other only requires you to act.

When you set an actual boundary, you're not trying to control what they do - you're deciding what YOU will do when they cross your line. Your boundary isn't their responsibility to maintain. It's yours.

And it changes everything. Instead of hoping people will respect your limits, you start enforcing them through your own choices. You stop answering late calls, leave conversations that become disrespectful. You say no without lengthy explanations. Your peace doesn't depend on their cooperation anymore.

Principle 2: Boundaries Without Consequences Are Just Suggestions

If you set a boundary and then do nothing when someone crosses it, you've just taught them your limits don't matter.

If you say "I don't discuss my personal life at work" but then engage every time someone asks invasive questions, you've just shown them your boundary means nothing. If you tell your ex not to contact you but respond every time they text saying "I told you not to text me," you're actually rewarding the behavior with attention. Your boundary becomes meaningless because there's no real consequence.

Consequences don't have to be dramatic. Sometimes it's leaving the room, changing the subject, or not responding. But there has to be something that shows this limit matters to you.

Principle 3: You Don't Need Anyone’s Permission to Have Boundaries

You don't need to justify why you have certain limits. You don't need to justify why you won't lend money to your friend again. And you also don't need their understanding or approval. Never make them feel comfortable with your boundaries.

Some people will call you mean, selfish, or dramatic when you start setting limits. That's often a sign your boundaries are working. People who benefited from your lack of boundaries will resist them the most.

Principle 4: Start Small and Build Your Way Up

Don't go from being a people-pleaser to setting iron-clad boundaries overnight. Start with slow-stakes and work your way up.

Practice saying no to that friend who always asks for favors. Set limits on how long you'll listen to complaints. These smaller boundaries help you build the muscle for bigger ones.

Each time you successfully maintain a boundary, you're proving to yourself that your needs matter. You're rewiring the part of your brain that learned to put everyone else first.

Principle 5: Boundaries Are Self-Care, Not Selfishness

The goal of setting the boundary is not to push people away. It's just creating space for authentic relationships to grow.

When you're constantly resentful because people are crossing lines you never drew, you can't show up as your best self. When you're exhausted from saying yes to everything, you have nothing left to give the people who matter most.

Boundaries protect your energy so you can invest it where it truly counts.

The Truth About Boundaries

Your boundaries are a statement about how you value yourself. Every time you enforce one, you're proving to yourself and everyone around you that your peace, your time, and your energy matter.

The people who truly care about you will adjust when you start setting limits. The ones who don't? Well, now you know where you actually stand with them.

You don't have to live your life trying to manage everyone else's reactions to your needs. You're allowed to take up space, have limits and prioritize your own well-being.