I Felt So Guilty After Setting Some Boundaries
Yes… but you also felt a bit of relief inside of you, didn’t you?
OK, maybe there was some tension with the other person but that doesn’t mean you did something wrong.
A lot of us were never taught how to set boundaries and when we finally try, we feel like we’re being cold or selfish. I used to think that way too. But think of setting boundaries as a way of protecting your peace and not feeling guilty for pushing people away.
It’s not easy but it’s one of the most freeing things you’ll ever learn. So let’s get clear on what a boundary actually is, and how to set one without feeling cringy.
What’s a Boundary?
A boundary is just a line you draw to separate yourself from others. They differ from person to person. And you set your boundaries based on what’s ok for you and what’s not. Whether it’s emotionally, physically or even just how much people get access to your time and energy. These few examples could help you express setting boundaries:
“I’m not available to talk late at night anymore. I need that time to wind down.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about that topic, let’s switch gears.” Or
“I’d love to help, but I’ve got too much on my plate right now.’’
It can be that simple and still uncomfortable especially if you’re used to saying yes to keep the peace between you and others.
So Why Do I Feel Guilty Then?
What you feel might not be guilt in the moral sense, it could be a discomfort of finally respecting your own needs. If you’ve spent years being praised for being the one who always agrees, the accommodating one, or constantly available, then setting a boundary can feel like you’re disappointing someone. But guilt doesn’t always mean you’ve done something wrong. Often, it’s just a byproduct of change that shows you’re unlearning old roles and choosing something better for yourself.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
Just knowing what a boundary is doesn’t make it easier to set one. Especially if you’re used to people pleasing, or keeping the peace at your own expense.
So how do you actually put a boundary in place without feeling guilty, awkward, or like you’re letting someone down?
Identify your boundaries: Start by checking in with yourself. Where are you feeling drained, resentful, overwhelmed, or uncomfortable? That’s usually a sign that a boundary is being crossed. Get clear on what’s not working, and what you need instead. Don’t rush this step.
Prepare to communicate them: Once you’ve identified the boundary, think through how you want to express it. Keep your tone calm and straightforward. You don’t need to explain everything or justify your needs. The goal is to be clear, not defensive.
Frame your NO positively: You don’t need to apologise or over-explain. Be direct, but respectful. Focus on what you need, rather than just what you’re refusing.
For example:
“I won’t be taking on extra work this week. I’m at full capacity.”
“I’m not available this weekend, but I hope it goes well.”
You just need to be clear without feeling guilty or defensive.
Block out some time in your calendar: Always make sure you do what you say. If you’ve said you’re unavailable, actually make that time unavailable. Block it in your calendar. Turn off notifications. Follow through with action, not just words.
Expect pushback and stay grounded: Not everyone will respond well to your boundaries, especially if they benefited from you having none. You might get guilt trips, silence, or passive resistance. That doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Just stay steady and remind yourself why you set the boundary in the first place.
Let go of the outcome: This is one of the most important and yet one of the hardest aspects of setting boundaries. Setting a healthy boundary means you know you might hurt the person’s feelings. Remember that the boundary is for your wellbeing. Even if the recipient is offended at first, typically they will come around after being given time to process.
A final note on setting healthy boundaries
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being mean. It means you’re being honest with yourself and with other people. It’s how you protect your peace, your time, and your energy.
It might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to putting everyone else first. But that discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It just means you’re doing something different.
Every time you speak up about what you need, you’re learning how to take care of yourself. And you’re teaching other people how to treat you too.
So ask yourself: what’s one boundary you can start practicing this week?
